So often as single people desiring to be in a relationship, we are advised to work on ourselves, develop a relationship with God, seek purpose for our lives for why we are here, and get to know ourselves so we are ready when our partner makes their appearance.
All of these are great items I completely agree with.
And then there's the inevitable relationship... Where we are coached to do things like take it slow, spend some time doing activities the other enjoys, ask each other deep and soulful questions and evaluate future life desires together to see if they're a good fit.
My intent today is to say all of those things are important and there's still another item that is just as, if not more important.
What is it?
Talk, in depth, about how you feel about raising children. Yes, most people suggest asking if the other wants to have children... That's clearly important, too... But don't stop there.
If you both desire children and don't have any now (& even if you do!)… invest some time and attention and think through what's important to you in raising a child.
Is it providing the material things you didn't have as a child?
Is it a belief that one of the parents should end, modify or pause their career in order to take care of the children in the home versus a daycare environment?
Is it that a child is brought up to be strong and courageous and knows how to stand up for himself, yet be kind to others, be clear on what he wants, yet be grateful for all he has and ultimately, is prepared for entry into the world what matters most to you as you consider parenting a little one?
Is it that a child be treated as a best friend by one or both parents, given equal say in decisions and choices from a very young age and/or treated almost like a peer?
Because each of these scenarios requires different things from the parents, a home life and ultimately, the child.
And the question "do you want to have kids?" doesn't dig nearly deep enough into the mindset of what is required from a relationship and from a set of parents in order to work together to successfully parent a baby who turns into a toddler who turns into a pre teen who turns into a teen who turns in a young adult who turns into someone perhaps very much like one or the both of YOU!
It's worth it to consider asking each other this question - and early on. Depending on how strongly your desires and mental models on the topic, it could be a deal breaker... And it's better to know this up front than down the road when you've created a life together and are now needing to parent a 3 year old and causing each other undue stress because you never discussed how you would parent your children, because you were so happy to find you both agreed you wanted to have them.
Having the fierce conversations early on can go a long way in benefitting a successful relationship or identifying one that it would probably be best not to continue. As my best friend says, "delay only magnifies the pain."
Points to ponder:
Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
An unhappy child is a healthy child. Kevin Leman